I’m going to need your continued support, prayers, and patience through the month of June. I have to do one more month of this weight loss program, and it’s going to be hard. Doable, but hard.

As most of you know, I’m doing an awesome program that has already enabled me to lose 30 pounds of stuff I didn’t need: stuff that hid my form and features, weighed on my joints, organs, lungs, heart, and high-heels, and made me hate hot, humid weather all the more.

But believe it or not I’ve fallen behind, and have to catch up. I’ve told some of you this, and usually gotten stares of, “Are you crazy? Look what you’ve already lost!” So, to help you better understand what I’m trying to do, I’ll lay it out here.

I’m doing the Rapid Weight Loss program, designed by Dr. Kevin Satelle, a doctor of internal medicine who is helping people rid themselves of the excess fat that we as a nation/culture so easily promote and accumulate.

I am given a physical once a month and monitored weekly (weight, vitals, etc.). There is no “miracle” element to this program. It simply helps your body to burn its stored fat for energy (instead of consumed carbs and cals) by maintaining a mild state of ketosis (yes, I’ve researched the risks and arguments both for and against).

To maintain that state, I am allowed 900 calories and 20 carbohydrates or less a day. Pretty tough, but it’s quite worth it.

They test my body mass index (BMI) monthly. I started on March 11th, weighing 192 lbs. At 5′ 4″, I was medically rated obese, carrying *88 POUNDS* of fat – almost HALF my body weight.

On May 5th I had lost 22 pounds of fat! WOW. My healthy weight goal is 142 – 145 lbs. I’m now about 20 pounds away from that goal, a little more than halfway there.

BUT – again, here’s the reality check: I am behind.

Given the calories and carbs I’m allowed, and the excercise they expect me to get (5 days a week, 30 minutes a day), I can lose 14 – 18 pounds a month. I’ve lost 30 pounds total, averaging about 10 pounds a month.

I could have lost 4 to 8 more pounds a month, which would have amounted to 42 TO 54 POUNDS BY. RIGHT. NOW. Which means I could have already been done with this program, and eating lunch with my church family on Sundays again (I miss this terribly).

But, I’m going to need a little over a month more, and I want to eliminate that 20 lbs in that time. I could be on track, but I HAVE NOT EXCERCISED like I needed to – some weeks not at all! – and I have allowed myself just enough freedom in what I consume to slow this process down.

To stay on this program another month I’ll pay $300. I can afford it, and it’s worth it… but when I’m feeling weak and want to cave in, I need to remember those numbers.

This next month, I must consider myself on a fast. I cannot go out to eat (even when I eat only a little, it’s torturous for me to see and smell so much food that I can’t have yet).

So, please continue to help me by your encouragement, your prayers, and your friendship, as you have already done so much.

Thank you, and love to all!!

Another simple, huge point from Lewis. Some people are blessed by that statement, though it is pretty weighty.

Some people feel that’s the very thing that makes them disagree with God, period.

It got me to thinking, it seems there are two basic ideas of freedom that people generally choose from.

One idea: freedom is the absence of responsibility. There is no effort needed, no choices to make. You just get to ‘be’. We’ll call this the “desert island” ideal of freedom, and let’s be honest, we all love a little of that!

The other idea: freedom allows responsibility. Totally opposite from the desert island ideal, you could even say freedom IS responsibility, coming in the forms of choice, the ability to work, make progress, and the will to go one’s own way. We’ll call this the “land owner” ideal.

Which of the two does it seem God offers us?

In fact, which does it seem the principles of this country were founded on?
Ask every politician seeking leadership which kind of freedom they promote – make sure their idea of freedom lines up with yours.

How a person feels about Lewis’ statement will, I think, define their value or disdain of responsibility, and reveal which idea they have of freedom: laying on a desert island or being able to work your own land.

Personally, I’m honored, humbled, and thankful for the great privelege to be a Land Owner, and for the freedom that gives me responsibility. With all it’s weight (most things of value are heavy), and with all the ability it gives me to screw up, I’m thankful for it.

Think about this: had God created us without free will, without choice, without responsibility, where would we find worth, individuality, or identity? We wouldn’t even desire those things, any more than our household appliances do. We’d be “just another brick in the wall”… and indeed, many of us view humanity this way.

But is that how God sees us? If He offers us Land Owner freedom, it seems our individuality is something He values; that our idenity, individuality, free will, and yes – responsibility – are His personal, poetic gifts to us.

And I love that.

I think most of us, in friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, whatever, have had some kind of experience where we can relate to this situation. Coming out of it, we feel devastated, angry, confused… all kinds of things. Even if we get the facts and can actually make sense of what happened, we still are left asking: what the CRAP happened?! Relationships just plain stink sometimes.

My pastor is doing a series on relationships that has been awesome. But I haven’t just had his notes to get me pondering; in these past few weeks I’ve been surrounded by living examples of good relationships having hard times: marriages hanging by a thread, friends that don’t quite make sense to one another anymore, people bailing on responsibility and commitment, not sure what they want, except that they want to be free to decide for themselves.

In many of these situations there are extreme or extenuating circumstances. But most of our everyday problems with one another seem to fall into a basic category, which my pastor pointed out: failed expectations. Another one, I think, is “sharing your stuff” – and I don’t mean furniture, either. 

As a single of 23, I can fully understand the sentiment of wanting to be free to decide on my own, as I’m sure most of us can. It’s a big enough deal to know who you are, what you want out of life, and how you want to go about living it. Try combining all of that with someone else who (hopefully!) has all of that put together for themselves, and it’s like two weather fronts coming together and making a storm! BOOOOMM!!! Holy crap! From emotional perspectives and responses to communication styles, to how you spend your free time and how the socks are folded, it’s a whirlwind of change and a struggle to find a middle ground (or, sometimes selfishly, to define our own, dangit!)

And what about hard times? What about facing the tough stuff that life throws at us, or – what I was referring to earlier – sharing the tough stuff in our own selves with someone else? (eek!) If you’ve lived a little bit you can get an idea of just how daunting that can be. And, you can probably get why people abandon ship.

A friend of mine said during a prayer last week, “relationships are messy, because we’re messy people.” Yep. So what do we do? Am I ready? Do I want this? Can I do this?

I do believe this, with all my heart, and Tim said this back in the beginning of this series on relationships – God needs to be the center of the relationship for it to make it out of all the stuff we can go through. The best thing I can do for my friends, my family, my spouse, my co-workers, all the people in my life, is to make God the center of my life, letting Him deal with me and know me from the inside out, and help me learn to grow up a little. That’s something to keep up every day.
We all would probably start seeing some changes in ourselves and in our relationships if we could learn to do that – to let God work on us and love and grow us from the roots up. That isn’t an easy relationship either - if anyone is going to hold you accountable, show you where you need improvement, or let you know where you’ve made a mistake, God will! But what a wonderful thing it is when we let Him do that. He always makes it so worth while.

We need relationships. Even with all their strangeness and ugliness, they’re where such beauty is to be found. We weren’t made to do this thing called life alone, guys. So hold on to God first - He will show us how to stick it out with one another. With Him, there’s always hope… what a comfort that is.

On the way to the shower today, mom, Patty and I were talking in the car as I pointed the way to Cori’s mom’s house, a road I’ve been down many a time over the past few years… a time or two, even in the wee hours. Already I was very sentimental, but determined not to be emotional… yet. 

As we made the final turn on the road that would take us to their beautiful country home, we could see balloons and cars and women already gathering. I said, “Does anyone else get a little knot in their stomach when you’re about to go into a place where there’s a big group of all women?” In unison mom and Patty replied, “Yeah!” and we laughed. 

We all three grew up around a lot of men and boys – girls too, of course – but spending so much time with dads, granddads, brothers, uncles, cousins, and guy friends, it was always balanced for each of us. We were never ones to stick too long around gossip, emotionally-centered conversations, or drama. In moderation, of course – we ARE women, after all. But most of our conversation men would find themselves able to join. Unlike these ladies here…

 hahaha… run!!!

When the men and women sometimes divide into separate conversation groups, when socially possible, I often find myself wandering back towards the men’s group from time to time. Sometimes they’re just better to overhear. The women are usually talking about so-and-so’s terrible divorce, this one’s dramatic, near-death labor, or some story fraught with emotion. The men are usually telling other kinds of stories… sometimes really, really boring, but rarely upsetting. 

Do they look stressed?

The best groups in my opinion are mixed groups – the balance is just right for me. Mom and Patty – and most of my female friends, I find - feel the same way.

see? Everybody’s happy.
 
This subject wasn’t the best one for us to ponder as we prepared to go into a baby shower. But, in we went, and I will tell you, we had a great time! This was a good group of ladies – a mix of young, middle aged, and older women. The drama factor stayed low, and we laughed a LOT. (Champagne in the punch is a good idea too, ladies.) And usually if there are amazing desserts, we’re all too happy stuffing our faces to get emotional or dramatic! :)

www.belluccisfinegifts.com

After we’d all sat down to watch Cori open her gifts, which I was thrilled to see were in bountiful supply, I often found myself tuning out whatever talk was going on around me. This wasn’t because I was wanting to “escape” (as described above). I was looking at this or that piece of furniture I remembered from years past. I looked at the window seat where I’d sat with my journals at 4 am one night when I had stayed over and couldn’t sleep; Cori didn’t want to be in the big house in the middle of nowhere while her parents had gone.

I saw the kitchen, where we’d spread Chinese carry-out and eaten from the boxes over the sink. All around the walls and in the albums were family photos, and Cori in all the different stages of her life. I looked at her hands as she was opening her presents, looking exactly the same as they did when we met eleven years ago. Now they’re the hands of a mother. All of the “classic Cori” expressions I’ve come to know I could see in her baby pictures, and it was good to see them again in person.

Cori, unposed

I wanted to sneak off alone and walk through the house into the rooms where I’d spent time before, often in times where things weren’t going so well for Cori – times of hard change or uncertainty. We’d had some happy times there too, and I feel a deep affection for her parents and that house. I did a “photo shoot” of her there once (where these pics are from.) How much has changed since then!

I love this house. She left it soon, in my reckoning, but I know that’s how things had to be. This baby brings a new chapter to life, but also closes one, and as I sat there today, rather than look ahead to the new pages, I wanted to linger over the old ones a while.

 “reflections of time”… from Cori’s old room

Life can change so quickly. Maybe we wouldn’t have it any other way, but I sure do find myself, even at this young age of 22, trying to slow it all down and savor each season as much as possible. Oh, Cori. How fast  things will change from now on! Are you ready for this? I suppose none of us are when it first arrives. You have to just keep going along, adjusting and evolving as you go.

And always… keep taking pictures.
she never knew I took this one!

Funny the things that trigger the release of emotions waiting to come out. As I prepared the gifts for wrapping this evening for one of my best friend’s baby shower tomorrow, feeling the soft, cotton fabric of the tiny washcloth as I opened it made me feel the first serious feeling of it all – she’s having a baby.

My heart was warm, melted even, sobered, and sentimental. I almost felt as I held the small, baby-soft cloth in my hand that I was holding that new life, that new little boy. The beauty and miracle and preciousness of this new beginning was trying to sit upon me, and I let it for a moment. I sat there surrounded by the wrappings and the gifts to put into the bag, and then slowly began putting the gift together.

My friend Patty came along with my mom and I to Target today. We printed out the registry and set off to the baby section. We talked how it probably wouldn’t really hit us until tomorrow – oh, would you LOOK at that little hat??

Patty was the first friend I made when I moved here eleven years ago. We saw each other from across the classroom on orientation day, both new to the year-old school and with our parents. There was an immediate connection – we walked away each feeling we already had a best friend there, even though we’d hardly even had a conversation. Sometimes you just know a friend right away, know someone who is going to play a part in your life forever.

Patty and I are like-minded in many ways. One thing that has never changed at all is how we laugh – HORSE laugh – whenever we’re together. There’s a common sarcasm and camaraderie, a like sense of humor that has been there from the beginning. Maybe that trait of our friendship hasn’t done much to improve our characters, but it’s certainly relieved a lot of stress and deepened the smile lines. Add that to eleven years of life, and you have a fast friendship.

Cori, the mother-to-be, I also met at this new school eleven years ago. She wasn’t exactly of a “like personality” to Patty and I, but even though the first two years were mostly spent in REALLY getting under each other’s skins, I think I can speak for Patty as well as myself when I say that, like when she and I met, there was immediately the same sense - in a different way, at first – about Cori. She was just gonna be there, just as solid a lifelong friend. That she has been, and as we’ve grown into young women, we’ve gotten all the closer and laughed all the harder.

Patty tells me not to take the picture; Cori laughs knowing I will anyway
“Wait, let me get some lip gloss on…”
…not ready!

We’re all the same age, and have endured our shares of the ups and downs. We’ve grown and changed a great deal in our own individual ways. But even though our schedules don’t often allow the three of us to be together as we always were in our school days, the friendship between us has grown so much, so deep. Each has her own relationship with the other two, all braided together to make one common bond. The differences and tension along the way have only strengthened it.

 Now, here we are, welcoming Cori’s baby into the world. She’s the first close friend of mine who is my age to have a baby, and that’s a bit of a milestone. It can also serve as a checkpoint of self evaluation, and to remind you of the different timing of things in different lives, mixing in with the common places we share. There’s so much wonder in it all.

I thank God so very much for the friendship of these two beautiful young women, and for this new life Cori is bringing into the world. Patty and I will go to the shower together – we haven’t seen Cori since she was expecting, and so it’s going to be a bit of a shock – and then, afterward, will likely have a margarita and a large amount of chips and salsa together. And we’ll look forward to Cori’s new arrival… and the time she can have one with us again!

Here’s to blessed new life, and to blessed friends. May this boy’s life be as full of such love as our three lives are.

apparently we went from “silly pose” to “serious” without taking my scarf down… Burro Loco, November 2005.